i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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