Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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