I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
