chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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