I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
