Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
