Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
