she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
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I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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