i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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