I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
