We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
