so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
