I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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