dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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