Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
