if i can run in heels then i can drive
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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