Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
