party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
