sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
