Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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