I could make wine with my vomit
well you can't waste a boner
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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