Where did you get a picture of my penis
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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