I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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