You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
