just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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