I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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