hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
