I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
