i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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