Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
