Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
