Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
