I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
