cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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