my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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