the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
