I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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