Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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