Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
