Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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