finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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