i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
