I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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