There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
