Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
