a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
