yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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