Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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