My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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