You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
