I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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