i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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