Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
