there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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