things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The Olympian is in my bed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
