2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He felt like a one man threesome
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
