if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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