There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She even gives head with a lisp.
you inspire me to be a worse person
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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