she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
